No Sex Tape
Steve Jobs called it his “Reality Distortion Field”… “The Spice Girls” called it “Girl Power”…and well my mum…she simply called it “You can be anything you want to be. Long before I’d heard of Job’s “Reality Distortion Field “or “The Secret” and “Law of Attraction”…my mum was sowing the seeds of my own “RDF” making me believe that I could do anything and be anything I wanted to be…that is…hmm…hmm…anything…but a Porn Star, ladies.
Back in the 90’s…“Porn” was still taboo…and certainly the idea of parlaying any homemade variety Sex Tape into an income-generating proposition…unconscionable and distasteful for any Scottish God- Fearing Mother. Let’s just say Mrs. B. while equally formidable as the “Kardashian Matriarch”…was not quite as liberally minded…and would’ve knocked the living daylights out of me …or as she used to say “I’ll give you…your head and hands to play with”…at the mere suggestion of me using my “hoo-ha” for financial gain…much less negotiate a deal with Vivid Entertainment. Of course…there was also the reality that I didn’t have the “t*ts” and couldn’t stand the sight of my arse in a mirror let alone on a 42” flat screen…both putting the nail in the coffin of any Big Screen Porn Flick aspirations before Mrs. B. could.
Now with a “grainy Sex Tape” off the table…as my “launchpad” to fame and fortune…preferring to keep my panties on and self-respect intact… I decided to study International Business with Foreign Languages. I loved to travel and had an appetite for foreign languages…and hoped that one day I could merge the two into a successful business career where I would travel the world…and hopefully, one day…make the BIG BUCKS!
“Global Logistics Company looking for Business Graduates…must speak a foreign language…flexible to travel and live in other countries…” Hell, it had my name written all over it and I was going to get it. As they say “you know when you know” (job-wise anyway)… and even though I really didn’t know…what “Logistics” was…it could’ve been international drug trafficking for all I cared…too late … the visions of jet settin’ around the world in Business Class…attending Boardroom meetings in a sharp business suit…already taking shape.
Before anything could take shape however…this was pre-Spanx Ladies…an “BI”… Before the Internet …I had to apply for the job…a handwritten application form no less! “But why?” I hear you “Millennial Ladies” gasp. “Couldn’t you just get the job?” or better still “Why did you have to work?” – perhaps the best question of all. Well, my “Millennial Peeps” here’s the thing…this was a time, …before “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, (yes there was a time!) “The Real Housewives” – and Reality Shows in general, and call it old fashioned, but one didn’t parlé a homemade VHS SEX TAPE…or 15 minutes of Fame from “Paradise Island”…or any other “I-have-no-discernible-talent-but-give-me-a-platform to-be-famous” type TV show into a Perfume Line and Billion Dollar Empire!
It was also a time before you could “SnapChat”, “Instagram” or “Tweet” your way to fame and fortune…so as lame as it might seem for you Millennial Ladies – the options for “Gen-X-ers” like myself – with no discernible talent except for sleeping…were Welfare (not an option)…Bag a Sugar Daddy (…or as my Dad liked to call it “someone with deep pockets and shortness of breath”…no way) or last but not least, an original idea…get a job…better still forge a career! Yes, I know the options sucked but those were the days!
If it didn’t suck enough that I had to get a job…I also had to undergo a bunch of testing (yes I know the nerve) as part of a Nationwide Recruitment Campaign that included Psychometric Tests…Aptitude Tests…“Role Play” (No…not that one … boardroom ladies), and a Presentation in a foreign language…followed by walking a tight rope balancing a jug of water on my head…only joking about the last one but you get my drift…only after all that …and stalking their HR for a couple of weeks did I land the job. I know I couldn’t believe it either…had the “Aptitude Test” in fact been for a “Lady of Leisure” and the “Role Play” not for the boardroom or…more likely… had there been a mistake? Little did I know that 20 years later I would become quite the expert in handling large packages…and it’s true BIGGER IS BETTTER!
